TAKE ME OUT + TWO HEARTS

This was actually an originally intended as an updated for my last post.....It started with this:

{Then after posting this...... and showing this post physically to someone I like, someone that personally involved in witnessing many of those "coincidences" or "more"..... regardless how it goes (could be either way now at this point)... but I know my situation today or the past week or years before, has / had been made extra difficult, beyond what a normal human being in my country (Australia), would received as Citizen! It is beyond what appears to be misunderstanding, or anything.... it is like even with explaining it through this, or with other uncontrollable things from me, isn't enough for THEM. I wonder if it is because of their internal conflict of priorities, and failing to convey his TRUTH thought without conveying to the their engagement unit, which seems to be different to the middle ground unit, which is also essential to them as a critical path... I probably is making bullshit here, because I just physically have my phone taken/borrowed by my close contact - I TOLD YOU (FACE TO FACE, WITH MY OWN WORDING ONLINE POST HERE, PLUS THE VIDEO ELSEWHERE and YOU ARE THE CLOSEST DISTANCE THAT I TRUST... I DO NOT NEED TO CARE AS MUCH ABOUT OTHERS TODAY, BECAUSE IT MAY BE IMPORTANT FOR THE WORLD! 36 HOURS MAYBE ALL I HAVE (MINUS THE WASTED EFFORT AS I AM STILL WITHOUT COMFORT / RESOLUTION ON THIS CRITICAL DAY FOR ME. THE FIRST DAY, I ADMIT OK...YOU HAD YOUR REASONS, THE SECOND DAY, I TOLD YOU I AM BREAKING DOWN, AND IT SEEMS OK WITH YOU, OK, THEN I GO JUST AS PREDICTED EARLIER.... WHY? CAN YOU IMAGINE THAT THE REALITY THAT I DESERVE NO PHONE, AND THE WAY YOU THINK IS GOING TO HELP IS FOR YOU TO HAVE MY PHONE? WHY? I ASK....IS IT BECAUSE PREVIOUSLY YOU MAY HAVE SELECTED THE WRONG THING AND COULDNT ADMEND IT AS REQUIRED? IF IT IS SO, THE WORLD MIGHT JUST BECAUSE WILL END LIKE THIS. I CANNOT IMAGINE DOING THE RIGHT THING BY YOURSELF, DURING CRITICAL TIMES LIKE THIS, AFTER I PHYSICALLY HAVE BEEN THROUGH EVERYTHING WITHOUT THE PRECEIVED SUPPORT THAT IS AVAILABLE TO OTHERS (ASSUMED WITH SOME RELEVENCE LIKE CRAZY AMOUNT OF GIFTCARDS, ATO REFUND FOR CENTRELINK, NOT RELATED TO BUSINESS AND PAST YEAR OF WORK WHEN I ASKED.... I EVEN LOOKED AT HIS TAX ASSESSMENT, IT LOOKS LIKE A COMPUTER ATO ISSUE, WITHOUT EXPLAINING IT, JUST GAVE THE CREDIT?! AT THIS POINT, YOU MAY WONDER WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON RIGHT???? I AM NEVER CONSIDERED MYSELF RECEIVING THE SAME KIND OF BENEFITS FROM THEM, I AM NOT SAYING THEY ARE RIGHT OR WRONG, I HAVE DRAWN THE LINE AS BEING DIFFERENT, AND THEREFORE, SUPPORTING THEM, WITH MY TIME, IS DEFINITELY A PERSONAL CHOICE ONLY, WHEN THEY DID NOT DO ME RIGHT FROM THE BEGINING.... OH YEP..... PLENTY OF THOSE FROM MANY OF THEM... YES EVEN WITHIN THAT GROUP, AT LEAST YOU ARE THE ONE I LIKE! AND IF THAT GROUP COULDN'T ENABLE YOU TO EVEN IN THE AREA THAT BOTH OF I HAD AT LEAST HAD A TIME THAT IS ENJOYABLE WHEN I AM PART OF YOU, SHARING MY SPACE.... I CONSIDERED MYSELF FOR YOU, FOR THEM, SHARED MY PHONE WITH YOU WHEN YOU NEEDED, THINK ABOUT TODAY WHEN I SAY I NEED IT, DID YOU RESPECT ME, OR YOU THINK I AM BEING OVERPOWERED, OR WHAT WOULD YOU THINK IF YOU WERE ME?

AFTER I POSTED THE ABOVE, I SAW THIS EPISODE FOR NETFLIX - RIGHT MOMENT RIGHT TIME AGAIN.... THE MESSAGE IS CLEAR! EVEN WITH A MINOR TWIST, AS MY STORY WOULDN'T BE USEFUL IF IT WAS THE SAME..... BUT THE UNDERLYING MESSAGE IS CLEAR OR AT LEAST, BE CONSIDERED??!!!

WITH THE TITLED FROM OTHER WEBSITE, I EDITED.... OR IF IT WAS JUST THE GESTURE OF WHAT THEY DID, YES THEY HUGGED, THE SAME WAS AS THEY DID ABOVE, WITHOUT THE SPOIL ALERT OF THE SERIES, I EDITED THE PICTURE THE WAY I DID IT BELOW. SO ONLY THE ONE I GAVE THAT HUG WITH CONNECTION, THEY KNOW THEY HAD MORE TIME FROM ME, MULTIPLE TIME, REPEATING ACCESS FROM ME FOR LARGE AMOUNT OF TIME (MONTHS) I EVEN HAD MY DOOR OPEN FOR HIM ONLY MOST OF THE TIME, BECAUSE THE DESIGN OF THE APARTMENT, MEANS I AM STILL FEEL SAFE KNOWING IT IS HIM PHYSICALLY, WHEN BALANCING THINGS OUT, HE IS STILL DIFFERENT, NOT OTHERS UNLESS IT IS DESIGNATED?! SURPRISINGLY I COUDN'T EVEN DO THAT TO THE PERSON I LOVE! BUT REGARDLESS, HE IS SOMEONE I ALSO CONNECTED BECAUSE OF THE ABOVE GENUINELY. THOSE ARE PEOPLE (NOW INCLUDING THE ONE I CARE, LOVE......) WHO I GAVE THEM ABOVE & BEYOND, DOESN'T MEAN I AM GOING TO DO THAT TO EVERYONE IN MY LIFE.... THAN THE OTHERS IN COMPARISON. TONIGHT I DON'T KNOW WHAT I THINK, AND I SAID TO SOMEONE THAT I REALLY DIDN'T THINK I CAN GO THROUGH THAT ALONE TONIGHT.... BUT SOMEHOW STILL ENDED UP THAT WAY.... WHAT MORE CAN I SAY... PLUS OTHER ADVERSE IMPACTS THAT I AM STILL EXPERIENCING.... IT SEEMS NO ENDING, WHEN I KNOW, I AM NOT SUPPOSED TO BE IN THE ADVERSED IMPACTED GROUP FOR RESAONBLE REASONS.....................PLUS MORE............. AND HENCE WITHOUT THAT, I STILL CHOOSE NO WAR........ BUT ALSO DON'T WANT LIES........... SO SINCE NO ONE LIKE THE MIDDLEGROUND, FINE - YOUR WISH IS MY COMMAND - I NEED TO LET MYSELF GO, AND....... BECAUSE I HAD TO THAT, THIS IS THE MOMENT I REALISED THE NEXT POST NOW, IS "TAKE ME OUT"....... WHICH ALIGNS TO WHAT I WANT, NEED BASED ON YOUR SELECTION, CHOICES TO MAKE ME WITHOUT A PHONE MOST OF TODAY SINCE I SHOWN YOU THE HUG, WHICH I GAVE YOU FOR YOU.... BECAUSE OF THE REAL YOU? DID NOT KNOW OR DIDN'T KNOW? REGARDLESS, FOR WHAT IT WORTHS, YES IT WAS YOU, THE WAY I ENDURE PREVIOUSLY, I FOUND IT HARD TO DO IT TODAY.... I AM NOT IN A GOOD SPACE AT THE MOMENT, WHEN I REALLY NEEDED THAT PHYSICAL CONTACT...... ONLY YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS TRUTHFULLY... AND IT ALIGNS TO WHAT I FEE TOGETHER.... IF I AM THE CONSTANT AND DIDN'T CHANGE, WHO CHANGED? WHEN THAT HAPPENS, IT IS ME, THAT IS THE PROBLEM RIGHT? SO BE IT, EVEN WHEN I AM NOT..... OTHERS MAY.... WHICH YOU KNOW THAT ANYWAY....

I WONDER CAPITAL LETTERS, IS NOT WHAT I REALLY WANT TO POST......}

This is the moment I chose to sleep on it, if I have the chance.... Maybe this is all it requires for my extension for you. For how long? I am unsure, knowing it isn't really entirely up to me, I guess I am also driven by "coincidences" due to its high occurrence chances right?! This means I might actually die with high potential, perhaps only GOD, can say otherwise even if I go through it, because I know I am also blessed by St Michaels, regardless what other may think.... I think my journeys and some of the posts here definitely helped by GOD/UNIVERSE or whatever really GOD sees fit? I don't make the decision, but I know at least GOD didn't abandoned me - and to be fair, I never really wanted to get there anyway, why should GOD to be bothered, when it is HUMANS SHOULD FIX IT, AFTER THAT MANY YEARS IN HUMAN HISTORY, IT IS STILL HARD TO SEE TODAY's UNFOLDING, HOW MEANINGLESS CAN SOMEONE WHO IS BY YOUR SIDE, AT LEAST RIGHT FOR ME, WITH EXPERIENCED TO BACK IT UP, IT IS NOT JUST A CHANCE, IT IS SOMETHING THAT WORKS, OR HAD WORKED NATURALLY, BUT BLOCKED FOR SOME REASONS!

WHY? SOMEONE ELSE SAID "SORRY" PHYSICALLY TODAY" TO ME TODAY.... AND IT WAS SOMEONE I DON'T KNOW - I FELT HE MEANT A DIFFERENT REASON THAN WHAT WAS REQUIRED ANYWAY.... SO IT IS NOT COMPLETELY STRANGE, ESPECIALLY AFTER HOW I FELT LAST NIGHT. TO BE HONEST, WITHOUT YOU & YOU, I AM NOT ENOUGH FOR ALL, WITHOUT THOSE I CHOSE TOO, DO THEY ALIGNED? AT LEAST MY WAY, YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHO THEY ARE..... NO IF AND BUTS.... AT THIS POINT, I DECIDED TO UPLOAD MORE THAN 1 SONG........ SO TBC RIGHT NOW, I too can't be fucked tonight, sexually frustrated too adding to just financial, love and blah blah blah..... all too much, I am out of cigarette too... how low can I go, when I am broken, even love ones go away.... might as well make it real too hey?! Is it not normal to feel what I feel after what I experienced and significantly different to what I life was / meant to create a difference through the actual me?! Who am I when I am not being recognised even ignored my real past history like the work from the bank.... I might as well be gone if I am not living?!

Remember one thing though, there was a time, even here in my own apartment, I felt so alive, with the right combination, it is indeed what we need, together, something that we can rebuild and move forward, when the support is there, it makes a difference, something that creates no threats because we are all together at least, the bridge can make things better in time, the time with genuine smile even the time is short before, we at least completed something that is amazing.... I also remember a time, even when it wasn't completely perfect, we were able to still do something that is great, at least to a version of you, but genuinely for me, do you remember that? I love that feeling, that is real, and physically matching, at least.... it was so right.... Then I realised I have already posted something useful again, in last June in 2024..... Why do I say this tonight? It is like I have experienced everything in fast forward, but not knowing whether I have enough time to see it through, even knowing the good/best, may come later...... because the order seems to be swapped.... or was it skipped and somehow didn't get to see / experience the bit that we were looking for?! All I know is that we had that right answer somewhere!!!!

I have to add something a bit sexual too - that night, I was pretty sure that both of us enjoyed it genuinely, we were able to it naked because it is not something we used it for attack, we were able to trust each other when we don't have our defenses, our armor.... It was alright! It was enough!!! If there was frown on someone's face, I would rather it is with me when we are together, at least I know I can endure it better when I am with you, the actual you and the actual me! I can only do it with certain people, that is also true.... don't we all anyway, like there are people we go extra miles for (similar to what I said up above)! Like mothers to their kids / partners / best friends / whoever those they like / care / love / important etc.... even it wasn't easy..... there were so many loops that have to go through.... it was a time that I know I wouldn't trade it for anything else too, even with sickness or physical or psychological pain or whatever it may be - I know it is right for me..... because you were with me at least and we can deal with it together, and I would like to think that the other side is supporting this too (or through some form of sacrifice if it was the case regardless).... it is like we were able to make our own judgement, a bit of personal discretion etc....no different to what I know in the business world too!

Seriously, do I even need to write this I wonder?! Shouldn't the world already know about this somehow?! If not, I wonder why? Did they only notice the bad, the negative and the good bit from me, for us all, is ignored and so that somebody else can pick this up? This is again, why it goes back to the reason I chose what I chose and still choosing what I am choosing.....all along, I am still the constant one, I don't need to change what I am - because I am truthful from the start and genuinely who I am... It is easier through time, especially within those difficult conditions etc if that was the case! I will stop here now - I am still feeling heavy and for completeness, I too hate to cry too, I too hate to have tears on my face like earlier last night.... I too realise it is getting harder as the pain adds up slowly no matter how strong I am. Even when I am facing threats, I know that there is a version of me, who is rather to kill myself, destroy myself first than giving up on you....

Below is one of the video on that night... Soon afterward, I realised the special page I created previously, hidden somewhere in this website....

I started this post a day or two back, it was one that scheduled to go out on Sunday, but then I paused it, wondering if it should.... I realised this is a piece that is going to be messy, complex, with too many elements combined into one. It is heavy and to be fair, I could probably expand a lot more on each element. But on the other hand, it marks a significant period and paints a picture of what truly are going on in my life, even in the hourly/daily basis. At times, it is overwhelming, I have no control and so, I am going to post this regardless. This is actually the first? time I used scheduled posting. But for this time, the back and forth, I think a few hours may be valid. Who knows if something may come up again?!