As I continue to go through my crisis in life - this song is just another example of what I am going through.
Did I have an easy life? At least I don't think so. Here is the reasons why:
I started working when I was a teenager. Coffee shop, cinema (Retail) - ticked.
I remembered my first job at Starbucks, I didn't get in the first time, the second time, the third time, I guess I got it in the end after my persistence... then to prove that I was able to excel in my role and then promoted to a supervisor role quickly. It was mainly because the time I spent watching / learning, even before I got the job.
It was a chance taken on me, the hiring manager at Starbucks thought I was 1 - (too young), 2 - No prior working experience but acknowledged that I have spent enough time as a customer and be able to show that I do know the inside & out because of that.
I worked when I was in university (Swinburne), studying full time as well.
My managers were tough ones, but at the same time, I gained experiences, probably faster than normal.
I remembered the going in position is that they don't trust me, until it is proven otherwise. Is there a reason why? It almost feels like someone has told them "watch out" for this person beforehand, and then when they finally see how I work, the "WTF" moment occurs - what was said (if someone did say something), just wasn't true at all.
Losing out promotions (even when I am doing the higher duty role), I think in hindsight, it is to avoid negative perception?! But then again, why is it matter to start with I wonder.
What else? Uber driver (not ubereats) - ticked. Banking (multiple roles) - ticked. Leadership - ticked. Other experiences (Juno Coaching Long Term Unemployed / Uni Experiences for students / Project Management / Overseas Bengaluru).............. Those are all real experiences.
Losing out being a FT employee and got stuck in contracts / temp arrangement over the policy period. Why? Not sure. But in monetary term, I lost pay increases, leave entitlements, bonuses for a period of years.
So what is the issue? Why do I have to be angry? After working for that long - it is quite surprising for me to end up being homeless, belongings gone and got nothing to show for. Perhaps I am a walking bad luck, but I knew deep down, I was meant to be a lucky person.... this is the inconsistency. Each time I am close to a breakthrough, something will happen and strike me down. I really don't mind to be challenged with facts, but when too many inconsistencies appear from nowhere, I then got drown by lies, not knowing where did they come from and how to defend it (if not asked directly). It is like feeling the aftermath, but not sure the reason why. Even to the point today - did someone think that I have money? The truth is no... Am I lazy? No. Was it my capability? No. Do I have other reasons not working? Yes! So how much money are we talking about? Just employment alone, probably close to $1.5m AUD for my time in Australia, that is on top of my family contributed (failed businesses [stolen], etc).
Someone once said to me that I am a shit magnet - I now feel the same. Can I ever overcome it? I doubt it unless something the universe / world changes. I can't fix what I do not know.
To be honest - I don't even know why I feel the need to post this. Unless I am being mistaken for something / someone that I am not. This is why I feel the need of dying. I should not need to beg. I don't even like to ask others but ended up I have to. I don't know what else I could do. But I certainly can't just stand back up and pretend that everything happened was ok... If standing up for myself is going to be frown upon, so be it. Let me die then. If not, then who the hell are you to even judge me or question me to start with? So please tell me WHY and WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING.
PS: The "Black" and "White" others seem to talk about all the time. It isn't really from this world you know. Those - trust me, it is something that you don't want to see! Back & White Impermanence.....
Sounds Asian right? Not necessary - have you seen my post - Telephone?
This is yet another example to go back in time, and relook at the older post for new meaning... Justice is required.
Updated 8/8/24 - to rebalance the scale of S vs S'.
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